Women and their shitty flavours..

Now don't let the title mislead you. I'm not going to write about the literal shitty flavours of a woman a German man would have experience and be relating. Oh no. I'm not German. Rather I'm going to discuss how women are like ....

continued...

5 beginner myths about women

1)They have hearts
Well technically women do have hearts . Not so much hearts as cold , dried out , black , hollow husks , whose only purpose is to help women differentiate between those things which are shoes (subtle feelings of “like”- women are incapable of love) and those which aren't shoes(deep and utter hatred).

However , even though this may be the case , it's important we hold onto the hope that women do have hearts , or where else would we drive in the wooden stake ?



2) They only come out at night. (as explained in this article .)

Many people , when thinking about women , imagine them sacrificing a small harmless animal to boil in their big black pots , cackling away as they torture it first . No, no .In fact they creep amongst us in day too . They can be found in all those places a man wouldn't dare venture : Shoes stores , the romantic section of the video store ,and even Australia (although you'd be forgiven for not noticing )


3) Women don't make love to their shoes .

This is simply untrue .Women frequently make love to their shoes .




4)Women can be scared off with a crucifix , and even cloves of garlic .

Logically this would seem true . However , as demonstrated by the fact that women are known from time to be attracted to those half-men called Italians , it is not .Once upon a time the Italian people were a major catalyst in something called “the Enlightenment “, and later “the Renaissance “ .Two times of human history where mankind strove to transcend his animal like state , wrote poetry , asked question and obtained a semblance of dignity . Then they discovered football (soccer) .



5)Women are capable of love

In fairness this depends upon your definition of love . The common female definition of love is “those lies you tell men to get bought more shoes” . In which case women are capable of extreme and deep , deep forms of love .If however you interpret love in the male sense of deep honesty , trust and commitment to another person ,(alternatively : sex), then indeed , women posses no capacity for it . This is because women are very shallow two dimensional beings , like Cats , crack addicts and Australians..

Clitordectamy : Mankind's last hope

When one day we reflect upon the downfall of western civilization , surely one little menace will stand out as the obvious culprit : the clitoris.

Why do I say this ?

I really have no idea. Just like a “gut feeling”. But just to be safe we must act swiftly to cut off the clitoris of every woman.

What's the big deal anyway ? I never saw any use for it. The damn little menace just encourages foreplay, which is perfectly redundant when you consider that blood makes an adequate lubricant.

I notice there are still outstanding objections. Some people perhaps underestimate the havoc the clitoris is capable of reaping across society?

"The clitoris is harmless !" you say ?

"How ridiculous to propose something like the clitoris could bring about the end of modern civilization ! " you say ?

Oh really ?





Yes . How ridiculous indeed.

*rolls eyes

While nobody is quite sure which so far is the greatest tragedy of the 21st century, everyone agrees it is between the Asian "Tsunami" and "Sex and the city". I would have included September 11th , but since "sex and the city" was released many people themselves wanted to crash planes into New York city, easing a bit of the sting. I myself would have been happy to give my life just for slightest chance that "Carrie" might just shut the fuck up.

Image now these women had rather been administered Clitoridectomy ? I propose the show might not have gotten past the pilot episode. The girls would have sat around , generally moaning , and complaining and being miserable about their non existent problems. Exactly like the Kardashians now that I thing about it unwittingly. So maybe even clitoridectomy wouldn't help here. Fuck.

Regardless...

Still not convinced of the emotional damage the clitoris has done to the collective psyche ?

Observe...

Nope ladies , I'm afraid it's clitoridectomy all round.

Romance : Porn for women

I've seen a few depraved sexual things in my life before. I've lived in Bangkok. I've seen a woman make love to an eel. I've had “beautiful women” show me their large breasts right before their large penises. I thought I'd seen it all.

Man can prepare himself in life. Even if your Jet is going down in flames you can get into the brace position. But nothing, oh dear god, nothing can prepare you for "Alex and Emma”.

When I invited my lady friend over to watch some Dvds I envisaged a quiet night of car cashes and explosions, or perhaps Will Ferrell's cinematic opus Anchorman : The legend of Ron burgundy. I had no intentions of having my eyes raped.




But that's exactly what happened!

Alex and Emma is the type of film that not only rapes your eyes ,but because of it's romantic nature it promises to keep raping them happily ever after! Day after horrific day! Vietnam had it's share of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but nothing on Alex and Emma which threatens to tear apart the very social fabric that weaves humanity together. Some veterans were lucky enough to have survived Vietnam and still maintain their faith in humanity, only later to see “Alex and Emma” and have their souls crushed.

This isn't so much a movie as radiation. While you watch it  you can actually feel it slowly killing you inside.

And yet, women enjoy this film. This is for several reasons. Firstly as we all know women have no souls. Only a deep,cold, hollow husk which is sort of a placeholder they intend to fill with shoes. But mostly I suggest its because romance is porn for women.

It's one of the 5 common *misconceptions about women that they only come out at night.

Many people when thinking about women imagine them sacrificing a small harmless animal to boil in their big black pots, cackling away as they torture it first. No, no. In fact they creep amongst us in day too. They can be found in all those places a man wouldn't dare venture such as Shoe stores, street corners, the romantic section of the video store ...

That's where women go to get their porn. Now in case you have never experienced the horror of Romance films, have a seat and fix yourself a strong drink. You going to need it.

Basically what happens is some poor sod, just trying to “ slip one in” gets cock teased by some frigid girl with a weird fetish for only shagging guys she has personally emotionally crippled. I'll save the sociology lesson for another time. But once she's got him in her sick web of sexual fetish the nasty business really arrives.

One thing these films can teach you , is that women have some pretty sick perverted fetishes. Let's briefly look at a few :

Petalism : The enjoyment of making love whilst on the dead petals of flowers (often roses) ..

The act : ripping apart perfectly good roses, then er.....having sex on them.

Now , I've been exposed to some weird ass porn before. Golden showers, rim jobs, horses. But this is some messed up , depraved shit! I mean flower petals sexually arousing you? What next?! 

Silksheetalism : the enjoyment of making love whilst on the woven bum goo of worms .

The act : Complexly harvesting and producing material from cacoons (that comes from the bums of silk worms),and then, er shagging on it.

Forget the morbid flower petal depravity, this is just insane! Apparently this is a huge turn on to women, or so their pornography would have you believe.

Candelightalism : The enjoyment of making love by Candlelight .

The act : Many candles are set up around the bed then lit apparently enhancing the women sexual pleasure.

So we've gathered girls like to shag on all sorts of weird stuff  but this one is even creepier. Yet It doesn't surprise me. Women, candles, black cauldrons, cats, newts tail. One expects to find them together.

The important thing to remember Gentlemen is that it's very likely part of some pagan ritual designed to steal your soul out of envy of not having one. So be careful.

So next time you lady complains about your kinky stuff you just tell her...

Sure I might like a bit "push in the toosh" ....but I'm not into damn worm cacoons! Its the right thing to do.

* (The other 4 misconceptions are : They have hearts , they have feelings , you can kill them with a silver bullet or a stake through the heart) ..