Romance : Porn for women

I've seen a few depraved sexual things in my life before. I've lived in Bangkok. I've seen a woman make love to an eel. I've had “beautiful women” show me their large breasts right before their large penises. I thought I'd seen it all.

Man can prepare himself in life. Even if your Jet is going down in flames you can get into the brace position. But nothing, oh dear god, nothing can prepare you for "Alex and Emma”.

When I invited my lady friend over to watch some Dvds I envisaged a quiet night of car cashes and explosions, or perhaps Will Ferrell's cinematic opus Anchorman : The legend of Ron burgundy. I had no intentions of having my eyes raped.




But that's exactly what happened!

Alex and Emma is the type of film that not only rapes your eyes ,but because of it's romantic nature it promises to keep raping them happily ever after! Day after horrific day! Vietnam had it's share of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but nothing on Alex and Emma which threatens to tear apart the very social fabric that weaves humanity together. Some veterans were lucky enough to have survived Vietnam and still maintain their faith in humanity, only later to see “Alex and Emma” and have their souls crushed.

This isn't so much a movie as radiation. While you watch it  you can actually feel it slowly killing you inside.

And yet, women enjoy this film. This is for several reasons. Firstly as we all know women have no souls. Only a deep,cold, hollow husk which is sort of a placeholder they intend to fill with shoes. But mostly I suggest its because romance is porn for women.

It's one of the 5 common *misconceptions about women that they only come out at night.

Many people when thinking about women imagine them sacrificing a small harmless animal to boil in their big black pots, cackling away as they torture it first. No, no. In fact they creep amongst us in day too. They can be found in all those places a man wouldn't dare venture such as Shoe stores, street corners, the romantic section of the video store ...

That's where women go to get their porn. Now in case you have never experienced the horror of Romance films, have a seat and fix yourself a strong drink. You going to need it.

Basically what happens is some poor sod, just trying to “ slip one in” gets cock teased by some frigid girl with a weird fetish for only shagging guys she has personally emotionally crippled. I'll save the sociology lesson for another time. But once she's got him in her sick web of sexual fetish the nasty business really arrives.

One thing these films can teach you , is that women have some pretty sick perverted fetishes. Let's briefly look at a few :

Petalism : The enjoyment of making love whilst on the dead petals of flowers (often roses) ..

The act : ripping apart perfectly good roses, then er.....having sex on them.

Now , I've been exposed to some weird ass porn before. Golden showers, rim jobs, horses. But this is some messed up , depraved shit! I mean flower petals sexually arousing you? What next?! 

Silksheetalism : the enjoyment of making love whilst on the woven bum goo of worms .

The act : Complexly harvesting and producing material from cacoons (that comes from the bums of silk worms),and then, er shagging on it.

Forget the morbid flower petal depravity, this is just insane! Apparently this is a huge turn on to women, or so their pornography would have you believe.

Candelightalism : The enjoyment of making love by Candlelight .

The act : Many candles are set up around the bed then lit apparently enhancing the women sexual pleasure.

So we've gathered girls like to shag on all sorts of weird stuff  but this one is even creepier. Yet It doesn't surprise me. Women, candles, black cauldrons, cats, newts tail. One expects to find them together.

The important thing to remember Gentlemen is that it's very likely part of some pagan ritual designed to steal your soul out of envy of not having one. So be careful.

So next time you lady complains about your kinky stuff you just tell her...

Sure I might like a bit "push in the toosh" ....but I'm not into damn worm cacoons! Its the right thing to do.

* (The other 4 misconceptions are : They have hearts , they have feelings , you can kill them with a silver bullet or a stake through the heart) ..